Got up one morning, 1 o'clock, and went for a walk in the cold. These are my thoughts.

Spelling in context, grammar too.

Here I sit
4 in the morning on a cold metal picnic table.
Inlet park in saratoga springs, ut.
What have I done with my life to lead me to such a place.

I couldnt sleep, my sleep schedule has been so crazy the last few days.
My butt is freezing even after the 2 mile walk.

What has gone wrong in my life,
Im an intelligent man, I have a great imagination, really, how cold is this bench.

I have made so many stupid choices though.
My inability to focus in schooling.
It wasnt tough, just... boring, I learn quickly when it is interesting.

I should have brought a snack. Not eating dinner and walking 2 miles really makes you hungry.

First off, I am sorry to Kimmy.
She really is the love of my life and I am letting her down completely
I dont think she really understands my plight.But really who can blame her.

I am not the most open person in the world. I dont talk much. Not because I dont have anything to say, but because I cant find the way to put it into spoken word off the top of  my head.

Alter lifes, video games, social media, and the like, only distract from an empty life. Things were so much simpler when I was younger, yes I was a thief, a liar, and a deviant. But it only affected me.

Now that I am older, and the world so much smaller, its easy to see my affect, my disease, on those around me.

3 kids I never see.
A wife falling out of love (with me, I still adore her), (even though I let her down constantly)
Parents who support me, and I only use them when I am down or needy.

Still I want to live, I live in a place, a time where a man with intelligence, with ideas can pick himself up.

Yes bureaucracy gets in my way
A too powerful government with their claws in areas they shouldnt be.
Claims way too much power over me.

A cow moos in the distance, throwing off my rhythm. They sure are delicious though so I will let it be.

Sitting on a metal picnic bench.
4:30 in the morning leads to better insight than a lifetime of bad choices
Or do the bad choices show me what I need to see.
Who knows.

I took the pen out of my wife's scripture case.
Could the thoughts and insights be coming from its lifetime us of righteousness?
Can an inanimate object so fully influence thought.
Isaac Newton sure would think so. Basically anyone who ever made a discovery on anything not biological would too.

My butt has either succumbed to the bench or it has warmed up the bench to my body's temperature. Im guessing the former. It is quite numb.

Staring at the sad, unused beige and green jungle gym has got me thinking that it must be happier when it has smiling, laughing children on it.

A lonely patch of snow on the side of the jungle gym has no footprints. Its been a while since someone slid down that slide.

Does this jungle gym know what its missing. Its obvious from the worn steps, the chipped paint that its been used.
Its metal bars too cold to be climbed upon.
No child to befriend it in this chilly climate. I wonder if its memory is long enough to recall warmer weather, or if, like a goldfish does it remember only loneliness.

I put the pen down on the table.
Only to swiftly pick it up again.
I dont want it to freeze.
To become like the jungle gym.

This pen means so much to me
If I could it would be my livelihood
So I keep it in y pocket
Protected by my warmth
While I wait for inspiration, from the pen, the jungle gym. The mooing cows, the chirping bird, the honking goose, the quacking duck.
Anything but my cold dark heart.

The only other thing this table is good for, besides holding up my book and being a stable area for me to write is the chill it is giving to my bottle of water

My left hand freezes as I write on the left page.

The marks of ink on my pinky finger are worth the relative warmth of the book to the table

All right handed people do not know the pain and torture that besets the lefties.

Constantly looking and feeling dirty due to genetics.

As I sit and await inspiration, sounds of early morning work greets my ears.
Cars on roads making raspy music.
Some muffled song coming through insulated doors
Factories drone along to produce the bass line.

Who is going to sing the melody.
Who out there will provide the chorus
Who will be the one to complete this song

The air is still, electric lights humming
The scratches of the pen, breaks the silence
The early morning sky starts to brighten
The pen keeps on writing, keeps trying to be heard

Who is going to sing the melody
Who out there will provide the chorus
Who will be the one to complete this song

The pen in my hand writes the words
The pen in my hand makes it come to life
I wish I could give this pen a voice, to see how it would sing this song

Time to get up and move.

On being married and unemployed.

 So recently, the last year, I found out that I have an issue with my feet, my heels to be exact. That limits my ability to stand for long periods of time. Anything over 45 minutes and my heels feel like burning hot nails are being shoved into my feet. Which makes me stand in a way that causes my calves to form huge knots in the muscles, which leads to huge knots forming in my lower back, which leads to massive headaches that feel worse than migraines that afflict me nonstop. I can get deep tissue massages that help me feel better but the knots form faster than the ability I have to get rid of them.
 The reason I wrote that first paragraph was so that you would understand why I have had a hard time finding employment. I have a lot of different work experience, it should be easy for me to find something where I am sitting down. But for some strange reason I cannot find anything, my email sent box is littered with resumes and applications I have filled out. Hundreds upon hundreds, and few are the responses I have received, even fewer are the interviews I have been on.
 I am relying on my wife, newly married just over a year, to be the breadwinner. I have tried many different ways to make money and none seem to work. I know I have good ideas, I know how to run a business, I know how to work and work hard and smart.
 But me sitting home, day after day, is taking its toll on my happiness, my marriage and my wife. I find myself sleeping in longer, watching more TV and being plain lazy. My self worth has plummeted, I know I am qualified for any job I apply to, and I know I would benefit greatly whoever hired me, but I wish I could work for myself. I have so many wonderful ideas I know would make great TV shows, wonderful businesses, and lots of money.
 I have asked for so much help over my life, I cannot ask for more, but doing anything myself at this point in my life where, since the Air Force in 2009, I have been unemployed about 1/3 of the time. It has ruined my credit and I cannot get a traditional loan, nor do Kickstarter or Angel loans seem to get going for me, granted I do not have any money to put together a decent presentation or start something. It would also help if I were motivated to put something together, but life has been too depressing, even a small win lift me. Those who truly know me know that I am a happy person, my outside demeanor usually doesn't show it but inside I have been able to remain truly happy. Just circumstances have led to this depressing, self depreciating, time of my life that is having adverse affects on my marriage. And for that I am truly sorry to my wife, family and friends.

How are there so many "smart" people in politics?

  But no one is attempting to find answers that will satisfy both sides. I am talking about "marriage equality". Now before anyone gets upset or tries to use this against me, let me just say. I believe that everyone in the country deserves the same God-granted rights that this country was founded on, whatever race, gender, sexual preference, basically whatever you adhere to or believe in.
  I am a staunch Christian and believe that performing homosexual acts is a sin. But as a conservative I believe that everyone deserves to be treated the same by the government. Homosexual couples who want to just be awarded the same rights as a straight couple, should have the same rights.
  Now this is where I might lose some people, I believe that marriage is defined as a union between a man and a woman. Marriage has historically been a religious rite, yes you can argue that marriage has been throughout all history, but it has stemmed from religion.
  The United States didn't start regulating marriages until the 1800's when the population was starting to boom and the census wasn't able to keep up, so the easiest way to keep track of everyone was to have them get licenses as a way for the feds to keep tally on who was where and how many people were citizens.
  Back then, they didn't think about the affects regulating marriages would have on everyone, just like it is now, homosexuals were a small minority, albeit less vocal than today, and for good reasons too. Now before anyone takes that out of context, I am lamenting the deaths of people based solely on their sexual preference, just like I lament every death because someone was different.
  I believe that if they would have known the hassle, the fighting, and the heartache that people are going through today they would have not regulated marriages, making marriage licenses, they would have named them Civil Unions, or Domestic Partnerships. I would gladly sign up for a Civil Union license, and I would gladly endorse that for anyone else.
  I wonder if some politician really wanted to change the wording, from Marriage License, to Civil Union License. How hard he would have to work, how difficult it would be to get bipartisan help to make everyone happy. I have tried to contact the Governor of Utah, the Lieutenant Governor, and their aides to see what it would take for the state to issue Civil Union Licenses instead of Marriage Licenses and all I get in return are form letters thanking me for my suggestion.
  In my opinion most politicians are extremely corrupt, especially ones that make a career out of being a politician. And nothing makes them more money than having discord in the ranks of their constituents and hangers-on. I mean, who would donate money to them if they did not have a few good one-liners about issues such as this.
  I have talked to many people about this, conservatives such as my self, libertarians, and liberals, all agree that doing away with Marriage licenses all together is a good idea. But then again we are all just normal citizens, unwise to the way that the political system actually works.
  I hope one day all citizens of the United States will be treated equally, and the way to do that is to actually find a good solution, not force what you want on others. But that really seems to be the way that politics work.

Finding employment and having a college education.

 I am so tired of looking for work, where is this 6% unemployment that I am hearing about. I am being told Obama is a great president and that unemployment is the lowest its been in over a decade. But where are those jobs? I am highly employable, my only issue is, I do not have a 4 year degree. I am an Air Force veteran who served for 6 years as an Arabic linguist and Geospatial analyst. Shouldn't that count as a proxy 4 year degree. I learned more than most college student in those 6 years. But to all of America that doesn't matter, all that matters is whether or not I have a degree in anything. I could have a degree in Woman's Studies and get a job, with my experience, in the Department of Defense, as a contractor, doing what I used to do. They didn't care what schooling I had, just as long as I had some.
 How messed up is that, I am a highly intelligent person, I learned Arabic, all the multitudes of difficult software packages that come with being a Geospatial analyst, all without finishing a college degree. How amazing is it that you  have so many intelligent people doing work, creating business, running businesses, without having degrees. I have applied for work as a cellphone salesperson, I was turned down because one of the "requirements" was a degree. If anyone were to give me a chance I could prove that I can do just about. But since I do not have that mystical, wonderful thing that is a college degree, I will not be given that chance, and my choices of employment which I know I would excel at, and be a profit for any company willing to hire me.
 How did the world function before colleges, how did the people survive knowing that the person who was working for them, who was working on them, who was working with them did not know how to properly write a paper on 14th century history. I can understand schooling for highly technical jobs, but it does not need to be done in the way it is done now. What is the need for general education classes, electives. That seems like a way to make money for big education. Why not just go to college, higher education, for classes just for what you want to do? Why is there a 5th year of high school?
 Am I not smart enough, do I not have enough experience to even deserve a call back. I have applied to so many jobs, talked to so many employers and only a few time do I get an email, get a call or any feedback on my application. I have been interviewed 3 times of the hundreds of resumes and applications I have filled out. I am getting very depressed at the lack of any information.
 Once again, where is this economic bounce back that I am hearing of? I do not see it, or benefit from it.
 http://www.mynextmove.org/vets/profile/summary/27-3091.00 This is an explanation of my military skills translated by O-net.

The State of Utah's Department of Human Service, Office of Recovery Services

 So I have the extreme pleasure of dealing with the Office of Recovery Services in Utah. They handle child support. I have tried for 3 years to get a reduction in my child support, California set it, and since moving to Utah (I now live in South Carolina due to issues with Utah), two and a half years ago they have given me the run around.
 The initial form they ask you for is pretty simple to fill out, this is not the form requesting the paperwork, I filled it out completely, sent in the 2 pay stubs they asked for (note it said 2 pay stubs or last years W2) and waited for them to get back to me. They sent me two letters, one telling me that I did not include my W2 and they will throw out my case 10 days from the date of the letter, which was 7 days ago. The other is a packet of stuff asking me how much I am making now. I included that all in the first packet. Why do they need another packet of way more information to tell them what was included in the first packet. This is extremely frustrating.
 Meanwhile, my ex-wife is getting more than half of my paycheck, which isn't that much to begin with, getting more put into arrears, on top of getting daycare payments for my son who shouldn't be in that much day care to begin with. Granted I know he could still be in day care, he is only in the 2nd grade. But shouldn't the amount have decreased. But the Office of Recovery Services doesn't care about that, they don't care if they are charging me more than what they should. They couldn't care about being a non-custodial parent.
 I want to sue the state of Utah, but I doubt it would do anything. Bureaucrats will find a way out of paying for the issues they will cause always.
 So I am sitting here, unable to pay bills, unable to buy good food, unable to live a happy life while the State of Utah sits on paperwork, causes more paperwork to be done, and just overall makes my life a nightmare. I don't deserve this, and my wife doesn't deserve having to be the main breadwinner for us.

Finally decided to join Twitter.

  I have a lot of thoughts through out the day, and I think they should be shared. Not all of them, no one should ever know all the thoughts you have during the day. But sharing ones that have meaning will always be a good thing. I want this country to become what it was meant to be, before politicians twisted the words of the Constitution, before corruption crept in, before laziness and socialism set in and drove us to the point where people depend on the government to do what they should want to do.
  I am an injured veteran, I could easily depend on the government to help me and sustain me, but where is the pride in that. Who would I be if I let the government take care of me, just another sucker at the teat of the hard work of others. I can still work, I can still offer something to my community, to my country, to my world. I will not ever succumb to the feelings that it is OK to be a burden upon the taxpayers. Why should others have to support me, am I a vegetable, am I incapable of speech, of writing, of thinking for myself? No, I can always offer something, someone will be inspired by my words, someone will find what I can do, what I can say of worth. And why shouldn't they, my words are meant to inspire, to help, to show that there is a better way. To show that no matter what, thinking for yourself, doing what you can will always be better than being given something taken from someone else.

I would love to post more about my book but my next few pages are in South Carolina.

I wish I would've taken all my stuff with me when I left South Carolina, regretfully I didnt have enough money to rent a Uhaul, and whats even worse is I didnt grab all the pages I printed out on my book. So somewhere in a little storage unit in South Carolina is about 5 pages of single spaced typed words of my book. Now I remember enough about those 5 pages that I wouldnt have to worry too much about rewriting them. But I would love to just go get them, put them in the parts of my book that I already have, and then go from there. I have continued writing past that, seeing as how I grab the pages after that. I should probably just go back and rewrite it, that way I could send it off as soon as I finish it, seeing as how I will probably not ever get back to South Carolina with the amount of money it would take to get my stuff out of storage until I sell my book. So far I have had people only say good things about what I wrote. I just recently sent off the first part of the book to Brandon Sanderson for him to read. I saw him at the book signing for his latest book, The Alloy of Law, in Huntington Beach. He said he would read what I send him, and he is a real down to earth guy so I believed him when he said that.
I hope he really likes it and offers words of encouragement or criticism to help me finish my book. I need that type of motivation because I get distracted easily. Well I hope to get more of my book done, I am trying to be more industrious. I have a few projects going on, and I would love support, so if you know anyone who likes reading, tell them to come here, I would love to have more people read what I have written and offer any advice. Thanks for reading.