Limericks

Every once and a while I sit at my computer at work, and stupid little things come to me. Now instead of doing what everyone else does and just laughs them off and forgets about them. I write them down. I have made up a good amount of limericks working here. Almost 1 per person who works on my shift with me. I will share a few, now just a little FYI, they are limericks, they are silly, and they are normally written when I am bored out of my mind waiting for something to happen. So here we go, enjoy. Comments about the person in the limerick, follow the actual limerick, so there is no confusion.

There once was a girl nicknamed Rassy
She turned out to be quite spazzy
One late night she farted
The whole room departed
And she in turn confessed "I'm gassy"

Now, I will let you know, this coworker has never been gassy, but she normally is quite spazzy.

Air Force Staff Sargeant Jamie O
Not the brightest bulb you know
When a fact was said
She shook her head
And believed that it started to snow

I am proud of this one.

Goins, always looking for a deal
Something technically a steal
Driving home, something stunk
He had run over a skunk
Cooked it up and called it veal

This guy has had long conversations about how he wants to harvest his own methane gas for cooking and heating and whatever else he can think of.

Obi is one who loves to joke
While drinking a 2-liter of coke
His breath smelled bad
A mentos he had
And exploded in a cloud of smoke

This one is self explanatory.

Terry is the head of this shop
Everything goes wrong he yells stop
The curses flow out
As he starts to shout
And veins in his head go pop

Terry, as is said, is my boss, he is an ex marine with a, yes you guessed it, marines vocabulary. And he does get mad quite often, with every little thing that goes wrong here.

Libby wanted a house built of bricks
Then came the man elected of her politics
Took all her stuff
"Tax ma'am tough luck"
Now she lives under a lean-to of sticks

As you guessed it, Libby is a liberal, and a huge one at that, but we still are able to have semi-courteous conversations.

Margie has always loved to read
Getting through books with amazing speed
Reading a book
Sleep overtook
Woke up to find she had pee'd

Yeah, a little crude, but I think its funny. She does read at work, and every once and a while you will find her asleep at her computer.

Once there was a man named nate
Who would make his own fishing bait
Needed more fresh
Chopped up flesh
He planned another blind date

This is one that has nothing to do with the guy at all, just those were the rhymes that came up with Nate. I will admit, I do not think that Nate is a serial killer who turns his victims into bait, but with some people you never know...

Inga she grew up in the wild
Thinking she was quite mild
Ate a zebra raw
Blood dripping down her jaw
And everyone at the Zoo felt defiled

Inga, a good friend of mine, grew up in Kenya. Her mom lived out there pretty much doing what Rachel is doing right now. Supporting local people start businesses and helping them make money.

There once was a contractor named Jess
She liked to bake while wearing a dress
Chocolate she mistook
Took laxatives to work
And made the whole shop a mess

While Jess does like to bake things and bring them to work, the have been nothing but delicious.

I once knew a girl, went by the name Lili
Liked to go out and act all silly
Started to dance
Wearing sweatpants
But still she claims she isn't hillbilly



Well that is all for limericks. Maybe someday I'll come up with more, and for family members and friends we all know.

No one has commented on my writings....

So I will take it as though you are all in awe of my eloquence. Yeah, that sounds about right. I will be posting the next few paragraphs, which is Dan's first time falling asleep after meeting Rylar.
I wanted to take this time to share a story. I havent been able to attend church for the longest time. My work schedule rarely gives me Sundays off. So lately the missionaries have been stopping by, and my home teachers have been really good about coming around to see if I need anything, the first time in about 2 years. My ward just split, I will say that I will be able to at least attend Sacrament meeting when my schedule shifts in July.
But when the missionaries visited we were talking about just random things, and I was mentioning my issues that I am having right now with not being able to see Kennedy and Kyler, and we got to talking about judges among other things. Well the Jr companion pulled out a verse from Alma 10:27
"And now behold, I say unto you, that the foundation of the destruction of this people is beginning to be laid by the unrighteousness of your lawyers and your judges."
It really got me thinking about how judges are getting into things that they are not really for them to decide. Judges are there to judge according to the law, not according to how they feel about a certain topic.
Now, I am not preaching doom and gloom and the end of the world. I also understand the checks and balances of the government, that they are there for a reason. But when a group of 7 people are able to overturn the will of millions of people, something is wrong. Especially when those people arent elected officials, and usually placed there by people who have an agenda. And that is my rant for today. Stay tuned for more book.

Next couple paragraphs

Now to continue the book:
I turned on the television, it was on the evening news at the time, they were reporting on the latest celebrity scandal regarding her treatment of her children. I tuned the news out and sat back soaking in all that had happened. I saw Rylar staring intently at the screen, and reached over and pinched a little of his fur behind his front right leg.
-Ouch, what did you do that for?- He swiped at my hand as I quickly snatched it away.
I'm sorry I just wanted to see if you were real, this all seems a little surreal to me, I have never heard of anything like this happening before. You did say that you were sleeping.
-Well that is no reason to pinch me, how would you like it if I did that to you, and while I am sleeping in my world, I am still really here, wasn't that obvious by the fact that you had to buy me, you're welcome for getting fifty dollars knocked off the price. As well as your cute neighbor being able to see me.-
She is cute to you? I would've thought that you would be more interested in someone more.... well, more your type. At this point, I would like to apologize, I realize that I was catching on slowly to what was really going on, but really how often do you hold conversations with ferrets.
-More my type? Do you reallly think that I am always like this? When I am not asleep I am a just like you.-
I thought about this for a second, then it dawned on me. "So what you are saying is that you are my parallel universe self?" I asked "Is that how this works?"
-No, I only meant that I am human, just like you. We are of no relation other than this companionship.-
What does that mean, the companionship, how come I have never heard of this, why is this happening to me? I have always had a very good imagination; I pride myself on being able to see, vividly the lands of the books that I have read. Going along on the adventures that the heroes and heroines have, share the feelings of loss at the death of a friend, the jubilance at saving the day, defeating the enemy. I never thought that I would ever experience anything like the quests I had read about in these many books. But here you are, telling me that you are from some other Earth, saying that I will go with you, just like you are with me.
-All I know is that you are the one that I have been waiting for. There are stories of people on your side being put in asylums because of their outlandish stories of visiting other worlds while sleeping. So I am quessing that's why no one knows about this or has said anything about it. Don't worry about it though, nothing will happen to you over here, look at me, I have been sitting around waiting for you for 15 years. I am still here, still healthy, so don't worry about what it will be like.-
With that, I leaned back, turned my attention to the news and decided that although it may not be what I had dreamt about, it still was a break in the life that I had been living. I looked at the clock on the wall, saw that it was close to 8 o'clock and decided that I should eat some dinner. Rylar sat on the couch, eyes glued to the TV learning all about this world and what is going on here. I made myself some soup, grabbed a soda from the fridge and sat down and slurped at my meal.
The longer I thought about the chance to see a different world, albeit as a ferret, helped me to get over my initial concerns and fears of there actually being another world. I know that I had thought about going on adventures before, being a hero somewhere, being able to perform magic. I really wanted to see how the people lived on the other side, if they were just like me, if they had any weird animals, or other species like humans. Maybe they had elves, or dwarves, were there evil races like orcs, or goblins.
-Don't want to disappoint you, but its just humans.- Rylar told me as I was in the middle of thinking of an epic battle with me being a humanoid ferret, wielding a two-handed battle axe, chopping off orc heads and limbs with no abandon as elfin archers mow down column and row of goblins. Dwarves running through the enemies breaking kneecaps with their oversized, well oversized for dwarves, maces.
-There are no other species, and you will definitely not be human sized, you will be the normal size of a ferret, although as far as I know, you will be able to talk.-
Well that is still something magical I guess. How does it feel, is being in an animals' body weird? Do you have animal senses? I asked, hoping and praying that I will at least have improved smelling and senses, something to make it more interesting.
-Well, I do feel more curious than ever, its sort of hard to sit here without wanting to run off and explore the dark corners of your apartment, and please close the cupboard that you left open after getting the pan out for you soup, its cracked open, and I know that if I walk over there I could squeeze in, and it is distracting me from watching the viewer.-
We talked a little bit longer, mostly getting to know each other, we both had a lot of similarities. We both like to read, both liked sports although the sports that he told me about were like nothing I had ever heard before. He explained to me about (I dont have a name for this yet, if you have one, let me know), it is a game that sounded a lot like rugby, except it was played with teams either using magically or technologically enhanced bodies on a field 10 times the length of a football field, with a spherical ball six feet in diameter. The goal of the game is to smash your way down the field being able to kick or throw the ball to other players, and throw, or kick the ball through a hoop just 2 inches wider than the ball.
I noticed that it was getting close to 10 pm and I was starting to get tired, and Rylar yawned a tiny ferret yawn and suggested that it was time to go to sleep.
So when I go to sleep tonight, I will wake up in a ferret's body? And on your side? I asked.
-Yes, and we will meet again, in my world.-
So I went to the bathroom, took a shower and brushed my teeth. I didn't want to wake up in a dirty ferret body with bad breath. I walked to my bed, noticed that Rylar had already fallen asleep on my pillow. I moved the pillow to the side, grabbed another pillow closing my eyes as I pulled the blankets over me I saw that the clock read 11:12 and wondered what it would feel like waking up somewhere else.

And that is the end of the prologue. Once again, if you have a suggestion for the name of the sport, I would appreciate it.

Next Excerpt

Before I enter this next part, I just want to mention some of my concerns. One of my weak areas, that I believe, is my conversations between characters. If you have any suggestions about it, encouragement, anything just let me know.

As I was walking up the stairs my neighbor Jill was coming out of her apartment. Since moving in to the building, I had developed a huge crush on her. She was beautiful, brown hair, hazel eyes, I never asked her but I would have to guess she was about 5'3" with a slender, not skinny, build. But I have always been more attracted to short women. She looked at me and noticed that I was carrying a cage and yelled out to me, "So I see you finally found that pet you were looking for." As she got closer she saw that there was a half eaten cheeseburger in the cage with Rylar.
"I'm pretty sure that is not considered proper food for a ferret."
"Well I bought it for myself, but as I was taking the first bite out of it, he just looked up at me and sort of whimpered...
-I would never whimper-
...and I just couldn't have him staring at me so sadly, he seems to enjoy it."
"Well you are right, he does seem to enhoy it, and he is pretty cute, what is his name?"
"Rylar"
"That's a unique name, how did you come up with it?"
"It just seems to fit him. But hey, I am going to take him inside and help him get used to his new home."
Not wanting to have to explain anything else I told her goodbye and I walked into my small one bedroom apartment. I set his cage down on the coffee table as I walked into the kitchenette and poured myself a drink of tap water. My hand was shaking as I brought the glass up to my lips to take a drink. It is not every day that you come across a ferret who can read your mind, and speak to you in your mind.
I figure I should just get used to talking to you this way, so what exactly does all this mean, where did you come from, why was I the one you were waiting for?
-Well I am from Earth, I am your companion, familiar, friend whatever you want to call it. We are special as in there are not many people like us who exist in the world. I am your key into my world.-
My key into your world? What are you talking about, I thought you said you were from Earth.
-I am from Earth, but it is a different Earth than this one. I don't really know how to explain it, only that I can only reach this side while I am sleeping, and that I have been waiting for you to find me. I have been waiting for you for the past 15 years. When I told you that I hated the other food that I was fed before, I wasn't kidding, every few years I would change. My first time showing up on this side I was a Pomeranian.-
I am glad I didn't find you then, I would've just walked right by, even if you had tried to get my attention.
-Ha ha, very funny, next I was a tabby, then a black lab and most recently I was this form. Which I haven't seen yet, could you let me out of this cage? I promise I am well behaved. I just want to see what I look like.-
I walked over to the cage, opened the door and reached in to pull him out, he was soft and warm. I put him down on the couch next to me, he jumped down from the couch and ran away. I chased after him and found him sitting on the bathroom counter, admiring himself in the mirror.
-I have to admit, I do like this form the best, and I am sure that you will be just as pleased.-
What are you talking about? I will be just as pleased?"
-Oh sorry, I am getting ahead of myself. As I have said before, I get to this side through sleep. Well now that I have found you, every time you sleep, from now on, you will accompany me to my world. But you will be the one who looks like a ferret.-
WHAT, I don't want to dream of being a ferret, why do I have to be a ferret!
-It's part of the agreement we have, part of the heritage that we share, being companions, and you wont actually be dreaming it.-
I don't remember making any sort of an agreement with you. I just wanted a pet, I just wanted some company.
-Well, that is what I am. I am your companion, I will keep you company, better than any other "pet".-
He then jumped off the counter and walked away, if ever a ferret looked disgusted, this was that time. I followed him back to the living room where I found him sitting on the sofa studying my humble abode.
-Is that some sort of viewer? I can't seem to turn it on, how do you turn it on.-
That is called a television and you have to use the remote.

Well, stay tuned for more thoughts, and more of my book. Thanks for reading.

Next part of the book, along with a little thought.

I recently made a post on The Daily Show forums, yes, I know, I dont really watch it all that much, but sometimes its on when I am at work, and lets face it, sometimes work is boring, so I watch it and listen to it.
But the topic that made me want to write on that Liberal friendly site was about Gay's in the Military. So many civilians are outraged about this topic, but they dont take the time to listen to people in the actual military talk about it, they say "Let them in" but thats not how the military works. Let me explain how the "Don't ask-don't tell" policy works. Anyone and everyone who wants to join the military can, there is a ban on gays in the military, but because of dont ask dont tell, they can, because technically, according to the military, there arent any serving. That is how the military thinks.
I wrote more on the topic, if you would like to read what I said here is a link, just understand, I am saying these things as how I think, as someone who has been in the military, they should go about trying to be more "equal" instead of just demanding that it happen. You dont do that in the military, you cant just force it to change its policies just like that. Here is the link, take it with a grain of salt:
http://forum.thedailyshow.com/tds/board/message?board.id=14067&thread.id=31
Ok, the thing that I wanted to say, the guy who responded to my thread, said that people might think I am not open minded. I have issues with the phrase "open minded". Why are conservatives the only ones considered close minded? If I call a liberal close minded because he doesnt agree with my point of view, how come they disagree with that. It doesnt make sense, is open mindedness only a one way street? If your mind isnt open to socially progressive ideas, you are wrong. This kind of hypocrisy upsets me, you cant only claim open-minds go only one way. But in my humble opinions, anyone who claims that you are close-minded are usually the most close-minded of them all.

But on to my book, here is a few more paragraphs:
But the way this ferret was following me around the room with his beady little eyes made me have to ask the owner of the shop about it.
"How much is that ferret?" I asked
"I dont even know why I have that guy anymore, all he does is bite and scratch anyone who ever comes in here, if they can even get their hands on him and then he acts indifferent to anyone else who comes in here."
"So he doesnt normally stare down everyone who comes in this shop?"
"That's the first time I have seen him do it in the three years he has been here."
"So how much is he worth?"
"Well if you dont mind being mauled by an elongated rat, I guess I could let him go for one-hundred dollars."
By the time I realized that there was something special about how intensely the ferret was following my every move. At that time, when the shop keeper told me the price, the ferret bared his teeth, and hissed at me, while arching his back.
"You know what, I really need to get rid of him, 3 years is a long time for me to have held on to him, fifty dollars cash and he is yours."
It could've just been my imagination, but I believe that I saw a smirk as the ferret settled down after the price was lowered. I took that as a sign to buy him. I gave the owner fifty dollars, picked up some of the other things that I would need; a cage for slee, a few toys to curb his curiousity and a few cans of processed ferret food.
Getting everything in a bag and coaxing him into the cage so that I could get him home, he brushed up against my hand as I closed the cage door.
-It's about time you showed up, this place is boring.-
"Excuse me?"
"I didnt say anything." Said the shop owner. "Is something wrong?"
"No, I just thought I heard someone say something."
-I did say something, now lets get out of here, I want something real to eat, that ferret food is worse than the cat food I had to endure the last 6 years.-
"Umm, okay."
"Okay... okay what?" asked the shop keeper.
"Uh, okay I am out of here, thank you so much, and have a wonderful day."
As I walked out of the shop, I saw the owner stare after me and shake his head, but then he turned back and counted out the money that I had just paid him, I am sure he was happy to finally get rid of his most troublesome pet.
-So where are we going, I am hungry for some real food._
I looked around to see if anyone else was around; it was just me, walking out to my parked car. I looked down at the ferret; he seemed to be looking right back up at me. There is no way that the ferrret could be talking to me, no way, I thought to myself that I didnt feel crazy.
-I dont know if you are crazy either, but we really should get something to eat now that I found you.-
"Am I really having this conversation with myself?" I mutter as I got my key out to open the car door.
-Have a conversation later, I dont eat much but I am really hungry.-
"Are you really talking ot me?' I said this as I was looking at the ferret in the cage, which I was slowly lowering onto the passenger seat. "And am I really talking to you right now?" I looked around confirming the fact that I was the only one around, at least no one can hear me talking to a ferret in a cage.
-I think that I have shown that I can understand you, just like you can understand me.-
Luckily at that time I had the cage close to the seat, as I dropped it from surprise. Not everyday that you have a ferret that speaks straight into your mind.
-Hey, watch it!-
"Sorry, so hey, do I really have to talk to you out loud?" Or can I just think and you can hear it?
-I dont know, I am new to this as well, I just knew that you were the one that I was supposed to be with. But I did hear everything you said, or thought.-
Good, so what is going on? Why are you here, why are we able to talk, why did you pick me? Even though I wasn't speaking to the ferret at that time, I did look up in time to see a couple whisper to each other and point in my direction. I realized that I was sitting in my car, both hands on top of the cage staring down into it intently. He just casually looked around the car, then looked up at me and did what I can only describe as a yawn.
-So are we going to get something to eat, like I said before, that crap you bought tastes horrible, now that I have you I am not going to eat that anymore. So where is the nearest eating tube around here.-
I dont know about an eating tube, but what kind of food do you like to eat, I mean what can you eat?
-I can eat whatever you eat although in this form I do like meat a lot more than anything else. By the way my name is Rylar Vault.-
And my name is Dan Cooper.
So without asking what he meant by "this form", I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot and drove to the nearest fast food restaurant. I asked Rylar what he wanted to eat, he told me that it didnt matter much, as long as it was tasty. So I bought him a cheeseburger and when I put it in his cage he started taking small bites telling me of how delicious it was. I wasnt really hungry so I just drove home, carried everything that I had bought up the stairs to my apartment.

That is enough for now, stay tuned for more.

First blog, first page from my book.

Thank you for coming and reading, I will be introducing you to my new book. The part you are about to read is the introduction to the main characters.

From a young age I had always thought that there was something special in store for me, something that would happen to make me a hero, to make my name stand out among other men. I grew up as a normal boy with an imagination much larger than my life would ever allow me to fulfill. My nose was forever in books, reading of heroes and heroines, going on epic adventures saving worlds and countries from dire, evil villains.
Dreams were the only way that I could reach my hidden potential. In these dreams I saved beautiful princesses, and they showered me, as normal-looking a boy you would come across, the love that would normally be reserved for more handsome men.
It was because of these dreams that I felt that I was destined to be a hero, destined to find out that I was actually some prince, or descended from a hero who lived in a magical land unreachable by conventional means of travel. Whose inhabitants would send an emissary to recall me back to their land to save them from some great evil who, at first would seem invincible, and defeat me but not kill me, I would recover, learning my newfound skills and powers to the point where I would defeat the evil and save the land and live out my life in peace and treated as the hero.
Then I grew up, and realized that I was just the son of two normal parents, who are amazing people and heroes in their own right, who would never give me a magical sword, telling me of my magical ancestry. I still dreamed of those far off princesses, and the adventures I would have if I were that hero.
My life was about as normal as normal goes. Went through school unnoticed, did a few after school activites, hung out with the same group of friends every day. Graduated from high school, did a few college classes, dropped out after those few, and joined the military. While I was in the military my life changed drastically, after a couple of deployments, coming back to a regular life was more difficult than I could ever imagine. That's when all the weird stuff started happening.
I was tired of being alone, my family was on the other side of the continent, in California, and I was in Georgia. As I said before, I am plain, nothing special to look at, that and while I should have been developing social skills, I was reading and dreaming about going on magical adventures. So dating was out of the question. So i decided that getting a pet would be the next best thing.
The search for a pet was going slow, I didnt want to get something too big that would be a hassle for a single male living in a small apartment, and I didnt want to get something you would see a hair stylist carry around in a hand bag. Cats were out of the question, cats and I just didnt get along. I always ended up on the wrong side of their claws. I love dogs, specifically black labs, but they were a little too big for where I was living. I contemplated getting some sort of reptile, I really thought that Chinese Water Dragons look cool, but I wanted something that wouldnt scare away any future date I might have. So that put the nix on reptiles.
Just when I thought I would never find a suitable pet, I walked into an exotic pet store and in this cage; and just staring at me was a ferret. At first I thought he just turned to look when the bell over the door rang, but as I walked around the store, looking at the various birds, rabbits and other pets, I realized that he never, assumed that it was a he, took his eyes off me. I had never really though of getting a ferret for a pet, to me they seemed to be something an actor/actress gets to show off that they are exotic. My first choice would have been a Jack Russell Terrier, small dog yes, but not a prissy dog.

Well that is the first snippet of the book, sort of long, not much into the book as a whole, but I would like to know what you think of my writing style. I will add more later.